Thursday, November 13, 2014

random shit from a depression-addled mind

Hi everybody. I'm still here (barely). I've pretty much spiraled down into the depths of a depression that I haven't seen in 5 years. And let me tell you, boy howdy is it fun. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist again, and yes, I'm talking to my doctor about going back on my meds again (since clearly this whole tapering idea was a horrible one), but in the meantime, you get this me. I'm charming. You're welcome.

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I'm still struggling to explain to C that anxiety isn't nervousness and depression isn't sadness. Seriously, I can't seem to do it for the life of me.

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I'm starting to wonder if, by trying to get pregnant, I'm attempting to thwart natural selection. If back before actual doctors and medicine, someone like me would have killed themselves or starved to death (due to lack of giving a shit about finding food or eating) prior to the chance to procreate. If I'm saddling my future child(ren) with a lifetime of possessing a brain that doesn't work. [P.S.- If you're feeling an overwhelming urge to tell me in the comments that I'm being silly about this, I'm gonna stop you right there. C already tried it, and I almost punched him in the face for being dismissive.]

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On that same note, perhaps that's why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. My body's like "No way, crazy lady. No progeny for you."

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Getting out of bed and going to work every morning is probably the hardest thing I do. I hate my job, I hate getting dressed, I hate the cold, I HATE talking/interacting with people, and I hate having to put on my "normal person" fa├žade.

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Speaking of, I seriously need to find a new job, and I don't think this is just the depression talking. I'm finding myself actually missing my old job (not the last one, but the one before that), which is disturbing to me on a lot of levels.

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Everyone is raving about Serial and how great it is. I really want to listen to it, but question the wisdom of that in my current mental state. I'll probably turn into a horribly paranoid person, convinced that, at any moment, someone I know will hack me up into bits. (I have no idea if that's what happens or not. I obviously haven't listened to any of it.)

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Just trying to remember that depression lies and keep on going.  Focus on the memory of normalcy, because I still can remember what it was like (barely). One foot in front of the other. I can do this.

8 comments:

  1. HUGS HUGS HUGS.... just take care of yourself and surround yourself with helpers. You'll get through this. HUGS!!! (Aren't random internet hugs the best?)

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    1. Thanks Sarah! Random internet hugs ARE the best! (Also, not a day goes by that I don't wish you weren't a no-reply blogger) <3

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  2. Huge hugs to you. Don't let anyone try to talk you down from depression. It is real and it is so hard. Hang in there.

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  3. I wish there was something I could say or do to help - I am positive you can get through this, and I do not mean to sound dismissive - I hate when people dismiss your feelings, whether it's depression, anxiety, body image... you feel what you feel for a reason.

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  4. I send you lots of hugs! Depression is a hard path to be on, but I know you'll get through it.

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  5. I have depression. I have anxiety. It is more than nervousness, it is more than sadness, it lies and the whole part about not wanting to get out of bed? I get it and I've been there and I'm struggling with some of it myself. As far as the husband not understanding? Well, I get that, too because my husband can't wrap his head around most of my issues. I'm happy to hear you put yourself back in therapy and if you need meds, take them. Depression is a chemical imbalance, not a choice, and you wouldn't tell a sick person not to take meds to feel better.

    If you want to talk, please contact me. Because I get it.

    That said--Serial will not affect your depression. It's actually more of a real-time Innocence Project-type investigation than a story about a serial killer. If anything, it'll be a distraction.

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  6. Sometimes it seems like no one "gets it". I understand. But, there are those of us out there that have depression and have experienced that lows that are impossible to explain. There is a community of people that "get it". Sometimes, when I'm feeling my worse, I don't want to open or expose myself to anyone, even that community. But it helps. So, I force myself to seek others and help, and I've been able to pull out of it everytime. But, I know it will creep back in, and I have to be ready for that battle again. Good luck with your battle. Know that you are not alone.

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