the two-week wait (see also: insomnia is a dirty mistress)

For those of you who have ever tried to get pregnant on purpose, you know what a bitch the two-week wait (or TWW, for those up on your TTC-speak) can be. For those of you who are unfamiliar, the two-week wait is the two weeks between when conception may have occurred and when your period is expected, i.e., when you may be pregnant but there's no way of knowing because no test is that sensitive.

This is a joyous time when many a woman finds any semblance of her sanity reduced to nothing but a distant memory. A time where anything and everything that may (or may not. remember these women are crazy) be happening within her body is classified as a SYMPTOM. Verifiable proof that she is pregnant. I liken it to being in a house by yourself at night. Houses make noise. We all know this. When your senses aren't turned up to 11, you don't notice them. You lay down like a normal person and go to sleep. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz But when you're by yourself... well, that's a whole different story. Every creak, groan, wind gust, and "I think I might have heard something" becomes a burglar. So you freeze. Stop breathing. Listen. Hear nothing. Convince yourself that you're crazy. Finally relax and try to fall back asleep. Until you hear something again, at which time it starts all over again.

For a few days last week, I was exhausted. Like, can't-keep-my-eyes-open-while-driving exhausted. And for no reason, really. I was getting plenty of sleep. Then it occurred to me: you know who's really tired all the time? Pregnant women. And that's really when it went off the rails. Every little twinge and burp reinforced my belief that yes, I am pregnant (for the record, I still don't know if I'm pregnant). Then 2 nights ago, the worst thing ever happened: insomnia. This is what a night is like for one of these special breeds of crazy:

8:15pm - So tired. Must go to sleep. (removes ass from couch and goes to bed)
8:30pm - Ok. Teeth brushed. Ready to snuggle in to this amazing bed. Man I love my bed. It's really great. It's really great to lay here with my eyes closed and drift off to sleep.
8:45pm - This side of my face is hot. Time to turn over.
8:52pm - Turn over
8:59pm - Turn over
9:05pm - Remember something I need to do the next day. Lean over the bed and make a note on the iPad. Well, I'm not sleeping anyway. May as well play some Bubble Witch.
9:42pm - This is not good sleep hygiene. I'm going to read a book instead.
9:44pm - Fart. Man, I'm still farting. Enter "farting" into the crazy-website-symptom-tracker-for-crazy-maybe-pregnant-ladies. Look at the rest of the symptoms I have to choose from. Ooh, lookit. I have this one, and this one, and this one, and this one, and...
10:02pm - Is it too early to take a pregnancy test? I mean, I know that they don't really work until a couple days before your missed period, but I'm special, right? And look at all these other pregnant women who have gotten positive pregnancy tests at this point in their cycles. And if I'm having all of these symptoms, surely that means that my hormone levels are high enough for the test to pick them up. Ok. First thing tomorrow, this is happening.
10:26pm - Must fall asleep. Must fall asleep.
10:30pm - Is the brand of pregnancy test I have in the closet the most accurate one? I mean, if I take it now, will it even be able to tell? I'll just research pregnancy tests for a little bit.
11:16pm - Man, it's late. How can C just be laying there, sleeping? Is insomnia a symptom? OOH LOOK! IT'S A SYMPTOM! I'm totally writing it down.
11:32pm - So tired. Must go to sleep. Will read book in attempt to quiet mind.
11:47pm - Finally pass out.
2:52am - (crack eye open) Is it morning? Can I take a pregnancy test yet? Ugh. Why is it so early?
3:00am - Must go back to sleep. So. Early. Ooh, do I have to pee? Well, if I have to pee, I'll need to take the test now. First morning urine and all.
3:04am - Don't look yet. Don't look yet.
3:05am - 'Not Pregnant.' Well, it's still really early. Doesn't mean I'm not pregnant. What do those tests know anyway? I know my body. Whatever. I need to go back to sleep. I'm really fucking tired.
3:15am - Why am I still awake?
3:22am - Ok, so I'm not pregnant. I was crazy to think that I was anyway. How many things have you read that say you can't possibly feel any symptoms of pregnancy until well after your missed period, Marcie? You're just being a fool.
3:37am - This thing says I will be able to feel symptoms! Stop being so judgy, well-researched book! Anecdotal evidence is clearly superior anyway. Bitch. It's ok. I'm probably pregnant. It's just probably too early to test. I knew I shouldn't have tested. Now I just have to buy some more tests at the store today.
4:01am - WHY. THE. FUCK. AM I STILL AWAKE!?
4:10am - Read book. That worked the last time. Oh god if I don't go back to sleep, I'm going to lose my mind. I can't function on this little sleep. And I've been SO TIRED lately. This is only going to make it worse. Why does insomnia give me such anxiety? Tomorrow's Sunday, it's not like you can't sleep in. Well, I suppose today is Sunday. Whatever brain! Shut up!
4:35am - Think... I'm finally...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
7:02am - Awakened by C and the puppy. Gooooooooooood morning!!

So that's been the past 2 nights for me. Seriously, I know I'm crazy. You don't need to tell me. I take a modest amount of comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who's crazy like this. Alas... just a few more days until I can KNOW.