Monday, April 14, 2014


Well, I followed through on my word and went on a nearly-10-mile run on Saturday morning. When you average 16 minutes per mile, going 10 miles takes a serious chunk of time. When you have that amount of time, the mind tends to wander a bit. This wandering led to an epiphany of sorts for me.
the White River in the early morn

When I was younger, I used to be a "good Christian girl." I went to church every Sunday, I taught Bible School, and I was even a church employee. Going to church was just what you did, and I didn't give it a lot of thought.

I think the first seed of doubt was sown when I went on my first mission trip to New Mexico. It actually was the perfect mission trip for someone like me, because all we did was work; we didn't do any proselytizing. Anyway, most of the people on the trip, young and old alike, were more... I don't know what. Into it? They talked about God's calling for them and other feelings of His spirit. I had no idea what they were talking about. I decided that I needed to try harder to believe, that if I tried hard enough, I could be as good as they were.

So try I did-- for the next few years. I read my Bible and wrote a journal about how much I could feel the spirit and how fervently I believed. I didn't though. For a lot of atheists/agnostics, there's a defining moment or event where they stopped believing. For me, it was mostly a quiet realization that I had never believed in the first place.

I had a similar realization during my run on Saturday. I had been trying so hard to be a runner, to be part of the club, to be like my friends Ashlye and Meagan, to convince myself that running was for me, that I had ignored the fact that I didn't like running at all. And, quite honestly, running doesn't like me either. I have aftereffects from running that I've never had from other types of exercise in my life (vomiting, cold chills, deep joint pain), and for what? Just so I can say that I'm a runner and be part of the club? So I can keep doing something that I don't even like again and again?

So from this day on, I'm not running anymore. I'm no longer training for the marathon, and there will be no more 10-mile runs on Saturday mornings. I am going to be more active though. Now that it's nice outside, C and I can take Grover for walks. I can also get back into Yoga and Pilates. I have kettlebell, kickboxing, and Zumba DVDs. And hopefully in a couple months I'll be able to do some prenatal workouts :)

So if you know anyone who would want my marathon bib for November, let me know!


  1. Wow, that's quite a revelation! I envy you! Being a runner and triathlete is such a part of my identity now that I don't know what to do without it. Sometimes I worry that's unhealthy but I never feel more like myself than when I'm training or racing. It's truly who I am now. But I do sometimes wish that weren't the case and that I didn't feel a need to tie my identity to my running.

  2. I'm a little sad to think that you felt like you needed to do it to be part of a "club"...We do it because we love it!! (But I don't expect everyone else to feel the same- My husband hates it!) The whole point initially, from what I remember, was to see if you liked it and to be more active. If its not for you, there are plenty of other things to be active and do. I'm glad you are finding out what works for you!!

  3. i hate running. there, i said it. but that's only for road running - i think it's boring as hell. stick me on some trails though, i and i can run all day long. like you, i thought i wanted to run and be part of the club but quickly found out that i hate it! instead, i do other things that mostly involve lifting since lifting is my jam. cardio, not so much

    Vodka and Soda

  4. I hate running and will never be a runner. Good for you for not wasting your time on something that doesn't speak to who you are.