preparation

So, today's our orientation. It feels like it's been forever already. Man am I in trouble. Anyway, I've been reading lots of things in order to prepare myself, both for the journey and for parenting these children once they're mine. As is so often the case in my life, however, I find that more knowledge is not necessarily helpful. In fact, it tends to flare up my anxiety, although not as much as being unprepared does... just in different ways.

In no particular order, here are some things that I'm afraid of/nervous about/freaking the fuck out about:

1. Not knowing what to do. I think this is probably a fear of all new parents, and it's definitely a fear of mine. Not being able to start out with a baby is probably adding to that anxiety... the kid(s) will be old enough to know that I'm screwing it up.
   
2. Feeling pity instead of love. The fact that these kids have been in foster care and are available for adoption is a pretty good indication that their life hasn't been rainbows and butterflies thus far. I'm not yet sure how I'm going to get past the fact that I feel sorry for them and be their mom.
   
3. Buying their love. See #2.
    
4. Prior physical/sexual abuse. Obviously I'm no stranger to mental health services, and I am 100% committed to getting these kids anything and everything they need, but I think parenting a kid/kids who have had that sort of experience in their life would be equal parts challenging and heartbreaking.
   
5. The religion thing.  I'm a little nervous that the fact that C and I are atheists could be a hindrance to having children placed with us. (Yes, it will come up. I've seen the home study questions.)
   
6. Any and all issues related to transracial adoption. C and I are both from some of the whitest areas in the country. While neither of us care what color our child(ren) are, I fear that we aren't going to be good enough resources for them when dealing with issues of race and racial culture.
   
7. Preparing for any/every contingency. Having a baby is a walk in the park compared to this. With a baby, you at least have a pretty good idea of what you're expecting. I have no idea what to expect with regards to the tiny humans who will become mine. Will there be one or more than one? What genders will they be? What race(s) will they be? How old will they be? Will I be able to take time off work and really bond with them, or will they be in school? If they're not officially free for adoption yet, will I have to navigate parental visits? So many things to think (read: stress) about.

 Needless to say, my brain is feeling pretty jumbly right now. Hopefully after tonight I'll know more (at least about the process) and will feel more settled. We'll see though!

Sorry guys, I promise to post something not adoption-related soon. It's just taking over my brain right now.