the moment of truth

C is out of town for business for the next couple of days, so the puppy and I have the house to ourselves. What that used to mean for me was bingeing. I would make a pound of spaghetti and meat sauce and eat it all in one sitting. Make a meal for four and eat it all myself. Order a large pizza and inhale it without a second thought or a single piece leftover.

Lest you all think that I have some sort of husband whose attitude requires me to do this, let me explain that I've been a secret binger for a long, long time. In high school, I remember hiding snacks under my bed and eating them after my mom thought I was asleep. In college, I would buy, cook, and eat entire packages of hot dogs in the time it took my roommate to attend a class. This is not a new thing for me. I know that bingeing is unhealthy and it's a large part of the way I look the way I do right now, but I LOVE IT. Like the scientist quoted in this article, I believe that food (especially bad-for-you food) can be addictive. The last part of the article really resonates with me, though:

"At some point, it’s a behavior and a choice. It’s just that some people are more vulnerable to the effect of that choice than others." 

I absolutely make a conscious choice to start bingeing when I do, although the urge to do so may be hardwired in me somewhere deep down. It's both a behavior and a choice. Starting today, I choose to stop bingeing when I'm home by myself. I'm sure I'll fail along the way more than once, but as long as I succeed as much as I fail, I'll consider it a monumental step in the right direction.