conflicted

I've heard that taking a pregnancy test is a surefire way to know if you really want a baby or not. If that's true, then I'm not sure what last night says about me.

I've been nauseous for about 3 weeks now. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes it's in the morning. Sometimes afternoon. Sometimes right before dinner. Sometimes after dinner. It's really getting old though. Over the past couple days, however, I've been having even more symptoms of pregnancy: incurable exhaustion and a pizza face. Intellectually, I know that it is EXTREMELY unlikely that I'm pregnant (given that the IUD has an over 99% effectiveness rate), but I can only ignore symptoms for so long before I become convinced that I'm part of the 0.2% failure rate.

Last night was sort of a tipping point. I came home from work not feeling well. I continued to not feel well. I thought I may vomit, so I went and laid down on the bathroom floor (which C thinks is weird but I still maintain is normal). I felt a little better, so I came out and ate a teeny bit of dinner. Then I started feeling sick again. Went back to the bathroom, where I vomited up said teeny bit of dinner as well as a medium amount of bile.

I returned to the living room covered in a sheen of sweat. C looks slightly alarmed, and I asked him a question I thought I'd never ask a man: "Would you mind going and buying me a pregnancy test?" He agreed and left for the Walgreens down the street.

When he got home, he dropped the bag from Walgreens on the kitchen counter with a thunk. I jokingly asked him if he bought out the whole store, and he holds up 2 boxes of pregnancy tests (each box with 2 tests). He then proceeds to tell me that he enlisted the help of the female pharmacist at Walgreens, although it appears that he eschewed her advice (that all pregnancy tests are really the same). He brought me First Response ("This one detects BOTH pregnancy hormones!") and EPT ("This one is digital!"). Of course he wasn't going to scrimp and buy the generic versions. I could only laugh. [He also bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Appropriate.]

He brought the boxes to me and sat down on the couch. After about 20 seconds he asked, "So.... do you have to pee yet?" No, C, if I had to pee, I'd pee! I finally mustered up some pee (since he was driving me batty) and went to the bathroom. Oh the glamour of peeing on a stick. Two minutes later, the result was in. One line.

Despite the fact that I desperately want to have a baby, like, yesterday, and despite the fact that I could feel that single line mocking me, I couldn't help but feel relieved. Although perhaps relieved isn't the right word. Resigned, because I felt I knew the answer before I took the test? Maybe the word I'm looking for is comforted; I think a part of me took comfort in that negative result. Having a baby now (especially with my IUD in) is not part of the plan, and I am nothing if not a planner. Sigh. If only my feelings were straightforward. :-/