books! books!

I'm back, bitches! :) Seriously though, I'm really going to try to actually be back. I've fallen in the trap of just opening Bloglovin and reading through everyone's blogs and then being done. It was better when I had all of my blogs in my Blogger homepage (except it sucked at updating so I missed a lot).

random shit from a depression-addled mind

Hi everybody. I'm still here (barely). I've pretty much spiraled down into the depths of a depression that I haven't seen in 5 years. And let me tell you, boy howdy is it fun. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist again, and yes, I'm talking to my doctor about going back on my meds again (since clearly this whole tapering idea was a horrible one), but in the meantime, you get this me. I'm charming. You're welcome.

loan progress -- 10.29.14

Undergrad: $0
Law School: $26,479.40

tabless thursday

I admit that I'm REALLY bad about staying focused. On more than one occasion I have blamed this on technology (believe it or not, I was better focused as a child!), and when I saw this video I knew I had to share it. Enjoy, and perhaps try your own #TablessThursday!

random confessions

I haven't linked up with Kathy in awhile, so get ready for some random fun!!

choose your own adventure -- month 2: food (and a month 1 recap)

You know what? I didn't do as badly as I had anticipated I would last month. While it was not an overwhelming success, it wasn't a total failure either.

a tale of love and loss

*Warning: This post is a real downer (if you couldn't tell by the title). If you're not in the mood for a downer, close the window right now. This is your last chance to get out.*

why i do it

When people find out about my crazy student loan repayment schedule, their first question is "How?" (the answer to that can be found here) The unspoken question, the one I can see in their eyes, is "Why?" Why would I take on this accelerated repayment plan when I could just apply for loan forgiveness (this is possible since I work for a public institution)? There are a few reasons.

choose your own adventure -- month 1: fitness

Ugh. OF COURSE the first month of this link-up that I so badly want to participate in is about fitness. Since clearly I'm a total narcissist (aren't all bloggers?), my first instinct is to say "STOP JUDGING MY SLOTH, OTHER BLOGGERS!!" But then I get over myself and realize that their judginess is well-founded. [Except, obviously, they're not actually judging me. Because they don't really care about my laziness. Ha!]

loan progress -- 09.01.14

Undergrad: $0
Law School: $30,008.21

you know you have a chronic condition when...

...you know that it is physically possible to lay down on the floor of an airplane lavatory. [side note: obviously not just any airplane lavatory; I got lucky with this one.]

the (anti-)glass menagerie

I haven't written a knitting post in awhile, so here's an update! Baby B's toy bin is getting fuller and fuller by the day! And I still have quite a few animals/toys in my ravelry queue to make.... ;)

Here's what we've got thus far (starting with most-recently finished):

dreams are for the young

Do you ever have the feeling that you really missed your chance to do a certain thing in your life? Not necessarily a regret... just a wistfulness that comes from hindsight? I used to feel that way about becoming an Olympic gymnast (p.s.- I never would have been good enough for that. It just looked fun.), but I digress.

my basal ganglia made me do it

This is going to be yet another random post, so I apologize. I've been feeling SO uninspired to blog lately... not that I don't have thoughts swirling around, but because I feel like they're not big/important/fleshed-out enough to blog about. Here's what's on my mind today:

loan progress -- 08.05.14

Undergrad: $0
Law School: $31,734.83

every inch of you is perfect

I didn't really participate in the "Don't Try So Hard" linkup with The Florkens this week, mostly because I never wear makeup and so it seemed a little disingenuous to act like it was something that I had to actively do. On a related note, however, this song has been on the radio for the past couple of weeks, and I can't get enough of it. It's catchy, AND it's written for girls who look like me :)

Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places

#loveyourselfie

a letter to my former self

Dear Marcie,

Happy birthday, and welcome to being a teenager. Only a few more months until you'll be in high school! Don't freak out too much; it's just like middle school, only people are generally nicer (and less hormonal). And the high school building smells a lot less. Middle school is the worst.

I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you a few things. You see, I have the benefit of hindsight, and they say it's 20/20. I'm not going to give you ALL the answers, but here are some pieces of advice that you'll understand as you get older.

First and foremost, you are skinny. I know you don't think that you are because your stomach isn't perfectly flat, but believe me when I say you'll never again be as thin as you are now. Embrace it.

Secondly, you're going to meet a guy this summer and fall in love with him. You're going to be sure that you and this guy are going to get married. You're not. Although it will end painfully (he's going to break up with you in a letter. in the mail.), let it happen. It will be practice for the truly EPIC breakups that are to come (hint: you'll survive those too). The guy you end up marrying will be 100x more awesome than any of them.

Don't get too caught up in the cattiness of your friendships right now. Of course, it's important to have good friends, and you've got a few, but after high school ends you're never going to talk to these people again. I know, you don't believe me and that's fine. You'll see. Speaking of, don't dumb yourself down just because your current group of friends isn't as smart as you. I know that being smart doesn't make you feel very cool, but pretty soon you're going to get over yourself (and those girls aren't really going to be your friends anymore) and you're going to be annoyed that the only reason you don't graduate from high school with a 4.0 is because you wanted to be "cool." Smart is cool. You'll learn that as you get older.

On a related note, move away immediately after high school. It's going to be hard, and you're going to have to fight and claw your way out, but it's going to be worth every meltdown and every dollar spent. Trust me on this. That town is not a place where good things happen for people. Get out.

Be nice to your sister. I know she's an annoying little brat, but she's going to grow up to be an amazing woman and the very best friend that you have. You don't regret much in your life, but you're going to regret all the times you were mean to her. Go give her a hug. Yes, right now. Go on-- she's a pretty cute little kid.

You're going to screw up between now and when you're my age. A LOT. Sometimes epically. Don't let it paralyze you. Pick yourself up and move on. It's not going to be the last time that you screw up. No one has died yet.

A bonus pro-tip: Your mother is (almost) always right. I know, I can't believe it either. Trust me, her rightness never gets less annoying. One day, though, you're going to be my age and really understand how right your mom was all of these years. Also, I know you're telling yourself now that you're never going to be an old mom (like your mom), but you're going to eat those words. It's ok. I know 22 or 23 seems really old to you right now, but it's really not. You're still going to be figuring yourself out until you're at least 26. When you're my age, you're going to be really glad that you weren't a young mom. You'd have screwed it all up.

Your life's gonna be great, kid. Great in ways you can't even imagine now. It's not going to ALL be sunshine and roses, but everything that you do in your life changes you and makes you into the smart and awesome person that I am. I'm positive that you're rolling your eyes at me right now. I wouldn't expect anything else. You are only 13, after all. Maybe tone down the angst just a touch though. It's unbecoming.

Enjoy your birthday and your teenage years.  And when you first hear of a company called Google, buy all the shares of stock that you can afford. Borrow money if you need to. Just trust me on that one.

Love,
Marcie

---

Linking up with Jana at Jana Says.

thank fsm it's friday

I haven't ever linked up with Amanda for Friday Favorites, but my Bloglovin feed was full of linked-up posts this morning so I'm jumping on the bandwagon. Here are the things that are making me happy this week:

I don't believe...

Hi friends! Sorry for the hiatus-- I've been feeling kindof uninspired lately. Work has been kind of crazy, so my brain is just tired. Wanted to link up with Kathy today though for Humpday Confessions! For this week's confession, I've made a list of things that I don't believe in. Feel free to send hate mail. :)

happy blogversary!

I feel like I should have some poignant post for today, given that it's my blogversary. But I've got nothin. So here are some random thoughts:

• I am loving the July polar vortex-- that can come around anytime it wants to. 
• I was looking in the mirror yesterday at my ever-growing number of grey hairs, and it occurred to me that I'm only a year younger than my mother was when she got pregnant with me. How is it that my mom was so old and I don't feel very old? When I see people with multiple children I always think that they're so much older than me, when they may not be older than me at all. Also, when did I get to be older than a lot of professional athletes? Age is a funny relative thing.
• Watching this video made me so happy (and also want to color something)

• After that video, I fell down the YouTube rabbit hole. Now I really want to try something called "fluid painting."
• I really need to give this blog a facelift. I need to write an actual "about me" page, and I'd like to have Erin do a blog design. I'm hoping that I win her giveaway!!

Ok, that's enough randomness for a Tuesday. Hope you all have a fantastic day!!

friday. definitely friday.

I just got done crying (from laughter) in the bathroom. So, I'm looking in the mirror while washing my hands, and I realize... my shirt's on backwards. I've been walking around all day with my shirt on backwards.

source

Pretty sure this means that it's time for the weekend!!

source

p.s.- Thanks to everyone for your kind words on my post yesterday. It's hard because it's not my tragedy, but I still feel so sad that my friend has to go through it.

heartbroken

While I was in New York, I got an email from one of my good friends from law school, Bill. While we haven't been as close since graduation as I would have liked, he still remains an amazing person.

That's Bill next to me on the left

independence day

Bonjour, mes amis! I've missed you! Back at work today after my week in NYC... womp womp. My baby sister officially lives in New York. It still blows my mind. It seemed only fitting that we moved her in the week of the 4th of July-- Independence Day for sure. Anyway, here's pretty much a photodump (#sorrynotsorry), and I'll have more to say a bit later. I'm currently trying to dig out from under my inbox!

the two-week wait (see also: insomnia is a dirty mistress)

For those of you who have ever tried to get pregnant on purpose, you know what a bitch the two-week wait (or TWW, for those up on your TTC-speak) can be. For those of you who are unfamiliar, the two-week wait is the two weeks between when conception may have occurred and when your period is expected, i.e., when you may be pregnant but there's no way of knowing because no test is that sensitive.

oh happy day

Yesterday was a big day in the state of Indiana. The District Court for the Southern District of Indiana declared Indiana's laws banning same-sex marriage to be unconstitutional. If you don't agree that this is a wonderful thing, go away now. I have no tolerance for you.

loan progress -- 06.24.14

Undergrad: $0
Law School: $34,386.19

#100happydays

I'm late to this party (it seems that I'm late to every party), but I'm going to attempt this 100 Happy Days challenge. I think it'll be good for me in a lot of ways:

1. It'll get me posting to Instagram more regularly
2. It will (hopefully) make me better about focusing on/remembering all the good things that happen in my day-to-day life. It's so easy to focus on the negatives.
3. As I transition into officially TTC, I'll probably have my share of "BFN" days (both literally and figuratively). This should help keep me from ruminating on small setbacks.

Also, apparently if you finish the entire challenge, they send you a little book with your pictures in it! How cute! So here I go... today's Day 1! :)

humpday confessions -- baby edition

Oh Wednesday... how I love thee. Today's going to be the day where I pay penance for all of my bad, baby-related thoughts and actions. Oops?

• Ugly babies make me feel awkward. ESPECIALLY when I know the mom. I've been faced with a couple in the past week, and... sigh. I hate lying and saying she's (yes, they were both girls) such a cute baby, because SHE SO IS NOT, but what else are you going to say? Ugh.
  
•  I've bought way too much stuff for Baby B this month. Like, seriously, it's getting to be a problem. I'm a little bit sorry about it, but only a little. I still stand by my strategy of buying things a little at a time.
  
• This morning my regular radio show had on a panel of dads to talk about fatherhood and such (the host's wife is pregnant), and I had to turn it off because it started to make me mad. I mean, it was a really nice thing, and they all were glowing about kids and fatherhood, but I was starting to get jealous. And not the motivating kind of jealous, the kind of jealous that makes you want to hit someone with a baseball bat and steal whatever they have that you want. That's not a good color on me.
  
• I can. not. wait. to buy a maternity wardrobe. Seriously, I need new clothes something fierce, and NEEDING to buy all new clothes in a different size is just the excuse I need. I mean, why buy anything now when (hopefully!) in 6 months I won't be able to wear any of it? Must power through.
  
• I'm totally loving knitting all these little stuffed toys for Baby B. I always have been a sucker for instant(ish) gratification. I got out the toy bin that I bought ages ago (as stated before, it's a problem) and have started throwing my completed items in there. It's fun!

Whew. Feels good to get that off my chest. Am I the only one that feels uncomfortable around/about ugly babies? I sincerely hope that my future baby/babies aren't ugly, although it's certainly an unfortunate possibility.

the r word -- an open letter to jenji kohan

Dear Jenji Kohan,

My love for Orange is the New Black knows no bounds... well, I suppose it knows exactly one bound. Seriously, there are so many things I love about this show, but the one thing that I don't love? Its use of the R word-- "retarded."

loan progress -- 06.10.14

Undergrad: $0
Law School: $35,237.29

the day i became a real runner

Linking up with Kathy at Vodka and Soda for Humpday Confessions (everyone's favorite part of the week)

it's done!!

After 4 long months, I've finally finished the hue shift afghan. I'm really quite enamored with it, although I don't think I'll ever knit a blanket from anything other than bulky yarn ever again.

It's already quite an Instagram hit, and 2 people on Ravelry have favorited it!! (Seriously, I'm easily excited.) I folded it up and put it on the back of the chair in Baby B's room. I may or may not drag it out on the regular to cuddle with, though. I kindof enjoyed the later part when I could cover up with it while knitting. :)

Now I just need to figure out what's next (although C has asked for a week-long knitting hiatus. HA!)!

UPDATE: Thanks to Tracy for really making me do the math on how long this blanket took me. It was around 175 hours. This, people, is why I'll never have an etsy store.

i heart indy

I've got a guest post over at Life According to Steph on my favorite things about Indy. Go check it out-- and enter to win a $50 Erin Condren gift card!

puppies

C and I have been thinking for a little bit now about getting a puppy sister for Grover (although probably not an actual puppy). I found this princess last night, and now I'm in love.

Don't her eyes just implore you to take her home?

We'll see though. I sort of have this weird mom guilt re: taking Grover's only-child-dom away from him. Is that weird? That's weird, right?

My dad sent this to me today, and it made me laugh.

Totally true

Also, my May Recommendations are up today over at Life According to Steph. Go check them out!!

an odd weekend

First of all, let me say that this weekend was absolutely amazing. Got lots of work done, and still had lots of time to relax and hang out with my husband. But there were a couple of weird (unrelated) things that happened...

loan progress -- 05.23.14

Undergrad: $0
Law School: $35,503.90

because i need a smile

... and I thought you might too. (If you don't like Friends, you're wrong.)

Enjoy!

screen-free week -- the end

Here are the results from Screen-Free Week. Not great, but not terrible either. Not sure that I'll ever do it again (at least not for a whole week), but it was a good experience.

mid-week randomness

This is what's on my mind today:

• Screen-free week is equal parts awesome and kindof a drag. It's why I haven't really been around this week (oops). Don't worry, I'm working on a recap to share on Sunday.
  
• I can't believe my baby sister is going to be gone in less than 2 months. This is NOT acceptable. In a way, I'm sort of grateful to her for giving me this all-important parenting practice. Hopefully I'll remember it when my own kids grow up and move away. [As a side note, I'm medium terrified of having to deal with my mother when Haley moves.]
  
• Selling shit on eBay is sometimes awesome. Yesterday, I sold my old-ass Kindle for $83. What?!
  
• I really love the library. I mean, books and movies for free? Don't mind if I do! However, I do wish that there was a branch closer to my house. (Honestly, it's not all that far. I'm just really lazy.)
  
• I've just started working on a project at work that I've been dreading ever since I was voluntold for it. I'm secretly kindof enjoying it now that it's actually happening. Perhaps I'm finally figuring out what I want to do when I grow up...
  
• I can't wait to go meet my friend Jayne's brand new baby this weekend. He's got a mushy face, and I'm loving it.

What's going on in your world today?

i didn't have a heart attack today

Strangely enough, I mean that in the literal sense.

screen-free week

So yesterday I was in a staff meeting and one of my coworkers mentioned that she had gotten a note from her daughter's daycare saying that it was "Screen-Free Week" and to please eliminate their kids' screen time for the week. She was really pretty indignant about it, but I was intrigued. Apparently, this is an actual thing, not just something at her daycare.

spring cleaning

We've already established that I'm crazy and working on creating a room for a baby that's not even conceived yet. This is yet another installment of the crazy. Feel free to shake your head and move on if you want. :)

status: embarrassed face

Umm yeah, so it's the moment of truth. The results of the April Wallet Watch. Annnnnnndddddd....... the results are not that good. Oops?

4 weeks fit challenge -- go(al) time

I was excited to see the link-up that Erin and Kristin are hosting this month-- since I hung up my running shoes a few weeks ago, I know that I need to get myself into a groove of exercise before I return permanently to my sloth-like ways (although this week's bout of strep throat didn't help that).

loan progress -- 05.01.14

Undergrad: $0
Law School: $37,205.33

Yeah, it's been awhile since I've done one of these. Don't worry, I haven't been totally sucking (although I certainly have sucked a little).

cotton

This weekend C and I celebrated our cotton anniversary-- 2 years. How exciting! We spent the weekend in South Haven, MI, and it was absolutely lovely. I'd never been there before, but it did not disappoint! Here's our weekend (in a picture-heavy post):

reasons i'm a terrible blogger

Linking up with Kathy for Humpday Confessions!

back in my day

Linking up with Steph for this fun trip back in time :)

epiphany

Well, I followed through on my word and went on a nearly-10-mile run on Saturday morning. When you average 16 minutes per mile, going 10 miles takes a serious chunk of time. When you have that amount of time, the mind tends to wander a bit. This wandering led to an epiphany of sorts for me.

the White River in the early morn

gluttony and sloth

Ok, am I the only one who loves the movie Se7en?

Anyway, I'm feeling like John Doe should be coming out of the shadows any moment to get me, because I have been sinning like crazy this past week.

source

one month

One month from today, my baby sister is graduating from college. This blows my mind, as she was just entering middle school when I moved out of my parents' house. She's got a fancy pants job in NYC, and I couldn't be prouder of the old lady she's turned into. (Even if she is moving far, far away from me.) She'll always be my baby sister though :)

Congrats soeur. You're my favorite person in all the land. <3

obfuscate

"No one in government takes responsibility for anything any more. We foster, we obfuscate, we rationalize... So we come to occupy a moral safe house where everyone's to blame so no one's guilty."
- President Bartlet, "The West Wing" (H. Con - 172)

well, *that* was interesting

So orientation was last night. During and after the meeting, this is how I felt (because everything in my life can be related to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory):

dear marcie, you ain't got no money

After spending an offensive amount of money in February (after January's spending freeze), I've been a bit behind in my finances. So much so that I'm having to forgo my second student loan payment this month in order to catch up. [THE SHAME!]

Obviously, I'm really in need of Steph's April Wallet Watch link-up. Like, REALLY in need.

preparation

So, today's our orientation. It feels like it's been forever already. Man am I in trouble. Anyway, I've been reading lots of things in order to prepare myself, both for the journey and for parenting these children once they're mine. As is so often the case in my life, however, I find that more knowledge is not necessarily helpful. In fact, it tends to flare up my anxiety, although not as much as being unprepared does... just in different ways.

In no particular order, here are some things that I'm afraid of/nervous about/freaking the fuck out about:

today's lesson

After my post yesterday, I did a little bit of dangling my feet in the water of whatever the hell it is you dangle your feet into. [West Wing reference. Sorry to all those who are lost.] Today, I leave you (and myself) with these thoughts:

source

source

confidence - {just write}

Let's be real, almost all of my posts are what I would consider "free writing," but I saw this link-up at The EO and wanted to join.

loan progress -- 03.19.14

Undergrad: $0
Law School: $38,887.02

a programming note

I'm going to be writing a series of how-to posts on my adoption journey. They'll be pretty specific/technical in nature, so I'm sparing all of you who don't really care about the minutiae and creating them as pages instead of posts. You'll be able to get to them in my navbar up top, so in case you're interested, they're up there.

I'll still be posting on our adoption journey in the regular feed on a semi-regular basis (mostly posts about my impatience and roller-coaster of emotions), so never fear! I'm just trying not to bore you all to death :)

UPDATE: We gave up on the adoption journey, but I wanted to provide the link to the one post that I did write, in case it helps anyone else!!

How to Adopt From Foster Care in Indiana

nerd love

I happened across my retirement balance today, which was good since I was in need of a bit of cheer.

Not too shabby in 7 years, eh? Especially since the first few years I was working/contributing, I lost money (damn stock market).

Today's payday, which means another student loan payment. My Direct Debit comes out on Monday, so expect a student loan balance update next week!

the patience of job

patience of Job (noun): 
           (idiomatic) A great amount of patience.

If you've been following this blog for any amount of time at all, you know that patience is not my strong suit (as evidenced here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here... this is getting sort of embarrassing...). Well, I'm beginning to believe that the adoption process is enough to test the patience of even the most saint-like among us. I have no hope.

the fosters

Confession: I love ABC Family shows. Granted, they always seem to jump the shark earlier than shows on other channels (I'm looking at you, Secret Life of the American Teenager), but they're fantastic all the same. Until last week, my favorite was Switched at Birth. However, I noticed last week that The Fosters was available on Netflix. I've been wanting to watch this since I'd heard of it coming out, so I queued it up and churned through the 10 available episodes.

money is like a purse

As a woman in her late-twenties, I've had a lot of purses in my life. They've all been varying shapes, sizes, and colors (I once used a lunchbox as a purse when I was in high school), but one common thread between them was that they were all full. Not usually bursting-at-the-seams full, but definitely shouldn't-put-any-more-stuff-in-there full or, in the case of my current purse, you're-gonna-get-scoliosis full.

My purse at the moment.

03.04.14 -- loan progress

Undergrad: $0
Law School: $39,475.12

productivity woah

This weekend was a whirlwind. So much so that thinking of where to start is overwhelming me! Here's a tiny recap:

• Friday: IKEA
• Saturday: 10k training run
• Sunday: IKEA build party

slog

I really am trying to get back into running. Really really. How is it that I've gotten so out of shape in just a couple of weeks? Yesterday's run was particularly horrible. I planned on going 4 miles, but about a quarter-mile in, my legs started SCREAMING at me. Every muscle below my belly button burned. I stopped a couple of times to stretch them out, but it didn't really help. Sooo... 2 miles it was. And it was not a fun 2 miles. My hip still hurts today, even after using my foam roller last night AND this morning! Arrgh. Saturday's 10k is intimidating me already.